


Hyper Beam Elitist

by Seclina_Lunica



Category: Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Main Video Game Series), Pocket Monsters | Pokemon - All Media Types
Genre: Comedy, Lance being very dramatic, but that's why we love him, lance is stuck in Gen 1, mostly a monologue, pure comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-11
Updated: 2020-05-11
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:40:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24130723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seclina_Lunica/pseuds/Seclina_Lunica
Summary: What is the most powerful Pokemon move in the world? Well, Lance is here to tell you what it is and why.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	Hyper Beam Elitist

**Author's Note:**

> This is basically a comedy monologue based off of one of my favorite monologues of all time about coffee. Character design will be Lance from Generations in episode three. He's about 23 in this. This is pure comedy.

_In the vast darkness, Lance – dressed his Kanto Elite Four attire – sat on a wooden chair with his legs crossed. With his arms folded over his chest and a smug grin, he started:_

Ladies and Gentlemen  
I must ask you to contemplate something.  
What is the greatest Pokémon move in the world? Out of all the move sets in the Pokémon lore, what could it possibly be? Hmm?  
Is it Thunderbolt? Solar Beam? Flamethrower? Earthquake? Self destruct?  
Which is it?

_Lance then rose from his chair, and turned his back towards the audience. His cape followed him seconds after._

Hmm? Do you need some time to answer my question?  
Alright, just take your time.  
So, I’ll ask you again, what is the greatest Pokémon move in the world?  
Think it over carefully.  
I’m waiting.  
…  
…  
…

_Lance then briskly turned around and yelled melodramatically:_

**IS THAT WHAT YOU EXPECTED ME TO SAY?!  
THE ANSWER IS HYPER BEAM!!**

_Queue the dramatic Hyper Beam, used by his Dragonite in the background + explosion. He then paced back and forth._

With Hyper Beam, there is nothing to contemplate. What is there to contemplate exactly? Hyper Beam is the greatest! It is the most destructive, damage-dealing and desired move out there. Once it has got its sights set on you, there is no hiding from it!

Now, you may stand there and say, “Hyper Beam, really? But ice beam is more powerful in the fact that it can one shot your dragons…”  
**Shut up! Get a grip!** If you’re one of those people, then you’ll be using Hyper Beam from now on, okay?!  
**HAHAHAHAHA!**

_After giving a loud, hysterical laugh, Lance stopped and gave the scene a much-needed dramatic pause. After those few long seconds, he continued:_

It was thirteen years ago when I became a Hyper Beam whore.  
At the age of ten, I knew that I was going to become the ultimate dragon trainer, but I needed a signature move that could be taught to all of my dragons. Two years later – while still looking for that perfect and most powerful move – I got served by the Cerulean gym leader who used Hyper Beam with their Gyarados. I was stunned as I watched my Pokémon get KO’d into oblivion. I found out later, that my dragons could all use Hyper Beam naturally if experience called for it.

Hyper Beam’s harsh aroma…  
Its seductive power…  
Just one use is enough to inspire a Championship team.

Hyper Beam also stirs a passionate desire for creativity.  
Aside from Dragons and Gyarados, other Pokémon can learn it too.  
And it’s picturesque from any angle.  
Well, of course, I am picturesque even without Hyper Beam.

Hyper Beam is a fascinating move indeed.  
Multiple steps have to be performed in order to properly teach it to your Pokémon; especially dragon-type. No matter how major or minor, if any of those steps are changed, it can transform its effect.  
The timing – however – is of particular importance. You have to recharge after using it, which is a common setback for most trainers, but if you pay attention to your surroundings and use the area strategically, there’s no doubt you can soar through your battle and use the attack multiple times.  
The better the timing, the better the chances you have of winning.  
And winning means that you don’t have pull out your wallet.  
Yes, you can finally save up for that new life sized Dragonite plush that you wanted for the last five years.

_Lance then went back to the chair surrounded by darkness. He sat down, and continued his monologue:_

Now, if your Pokémon is capable of learning Hyper Beam, but cannot learn it through experience, you can always get your little hands on a TM; however, due to its quality, Hyper Beam packs a pricey punch…but I can demonstrate a convenient way of getting one…

* * *

_At the Celadon Department Store:_

_Seemingly the only one in the store, Lance approached a blue-haired cashier. Upon seeing who the customer was, the woman behind the counter placed her hands on her hips and muttered, “Lance? Don’t tell me Mr. Elite Four is here to buy another cape! Let me guess, did your Dragonite eat this one too?”_

_“No,” Lance said while showing off the cape he was already sporting, “The current one is still intact. It has been a week and so far, there have been no mishaps. Knock on wood.”_

_The woman responded, “You know, maybe you should start investing in a few of those fire-resistant capes. The ones here at the department store go up in flames like spruce trees during the dry season.”_

_Lance answered with a bright smile, “But they’re so flashy here. To be honest, I don’t know what I’d do if you ever sold out of capes here.”_

_“Flashy? They’re black.” The blue-haired woman then responded in monotone with a comical sweat drop running down her forehead. “Seriously, if we run out of capes, it’s because you sucked us dry.”_

_Lance waved. “Now, don’t be like that. I need a TM today please.”_

_“Oh,” the cashier said, surprised as to what he was asking for, “Which one would you like?”_

_“TM-15, please.”_

_“Hyper Beam? Hey, aren’t you still a dragon trainer? You don’t need TM-15 to pull off that move.”_

_Lance explained, sarcastically hurt, “Aww – but I found this cute little Butterfree the other day. I’m giving it to my cousin for her birthday, and she wants it to have a powerful move; even though it’s only at a level 10. Unfortunately, Hyper Beam can only be learned via TM for Butterfree, so I’ll just need one, please.” Lance lied about giving a Butterfree to his cousin. He would get murdered in his sleep if he ever did that to Clair; even if it were a joke._

_Suspicious, the cashier grabbed a TM-15 and said, “That’ll be 7500 pokédollars please.”_

_“Oh,” Lance said, “And an HM07 please. It’s just in case I need it for bribery in the future.”_

_“Sure thing,” said the cashier. “Oh – no full restores today?”_

_“No, I still have twenty left. Hmm…maybe I should start using Max Revives.”_

_“Then 10,000 pokédollars is your new total.”_

_Lance then grabbed his wallet. He looked inside and said, “Oh nooo, I don’t have enough.”_

_“What do you mean you don’t have enough,” the woman exclaimed, “you’re a millionaire.”_

_Lance just shrugged in return. “Hey, I might be a millionaire, but I don’t carry that kind of cash with me everywhere I go.”_

_“Well, it’s still 10,000 pokédollars.”_

_“You know what? Can you put it on hold? I’ll be right back.”_

_The woman watched Lance leave in confusion. What the hell was going on? Why was he acting so weird? Usually, he would just grab what he needed and leave without a word._

_Outside, Lance took a quick look around the area. He noticed a young fisherman, looking around, and keen for a battle. Lance waved the boy down and said, “Hey you. I want to battle you. How about your Magikarp against my Dragonite? Double or nothing?”_

* * *

Of course, that was a joke.  
I would never do that to a young trainer.  
However, it doesn’t mean that you can’t go out and drain another trainer’s account for your own benefit.  
See? I’m such a good influence.

Now, with the TM in your possession, you must teach it to your Pokémon at a decent pace.  
Don’t teach the move too quickly. If you rush the learning process, Hyper Beam will be nothing but a watered down mess and you’ll miss your target every time.  
But, if you’re too slow, the attack in battle will move slower than my grandmother and fall flat…and she’s been dead for a **_very_** long time.  
Remember that every Pokémon is different, so patience and persistence is of great importance when training.

Now, I can give away more secrets, but it’ll have to be at a cost. If you’re interested, feel free to personal message me on my twitter account at @daddylance_dragongod.  
But since I’m generous, I can give you one piece of advice on how to perfect Hyper Beam.  
Testing.  
Testing and practicing is the key to learning Hyper Beam, and once you are personally satisfied with the result, you will now be ready to use it in a battle against the Elite Four and Champions.  
You might say, “Lance, how can I test and adjust Hyper Beam? I can only use other Pokémon and gain experience that way. Wild Pokémon should do just fine, right?”

Well – unlike other Pokémon moves, aside from destroying your opponents in battle, Hyper Beam can also be a useful tool in everyday life.  
**Can’t open a jar of pickles? Hyper Beam.  
Too incompetent to open a door? Hyper Beam.  
Late for work and can’t toast your bread fast enough? Hyper Beam.  
Jealous of your neighbor’s new car? Hyper Beam.**  
Eventually, you can work your way up the ranks and move onto humans, but you need to have a licence for that.

Not that I’ve done it before or anything.

**THE END**

**Author's Note:**

> Lance always used Hyper Beam on me in the games and he used it all of the time in the anime. I hope you liked it and got some laughs. :)


End file.
